We’re well into the third month of social distancing and isolation due to the COVID pandemic. It’s really become exhausting. I mean, it was exhausting from the beginning, but for me, I’ve been “OK” for awhile. I don’t feel OK anymore.
Let me be clear from the start – I’m in a better position than most. Other than losing my job (and I can afford to be unemployed for quite a while) I have everything I need: means and access to food and shelter, my isolation is with my wife (who I adore) and our dog (who loves us, but wants some alone time to actually sleep) and our apartment is very comfortable.
But this is all logic. Let’s talk about emotions.
I’m an extrovert and a very energetic person. Put me in a crowd with good vibes and a virtuous cycle of energy is created. I feed off others and readily give back to them as well. The more I give, the more I get.
But right now, I have no easy means to “recharge” the way I usually do. Tracy has been wonderful and while we both have our ups and downs (like everyone at this time) we’re supporting each other really well. But she also said something that stuck with me:
“Everything we’re doing right now is just to survive. We can’t just survive, we need to thrive!”
Maybe I’m naive, but I find this statement really profound. She and I have been doing lots of fun things that help us thrive, but there’s a limit to how much we can do just 1:1 – and with limited outside resources. We enjoy group activities, we enjoy crowds, we love NYC and mass transit and dining out. But none of these things are coming back any time soon.
There’s one person in my life I miss most right now and I have found that all my sadness in not seeing friends had been getting funneled into my longing to see this one person. Over the last two weeks I’ve worked hard to separate this person from “everyone else” because it isn’t fair to them that I channel more sadness their way. We’re both already missing each other enough.
However, something unexpected came to me as I unraveled these feelings. I miss this person just as much as before, and now I’m well aware of the longing I have for everyone else, too. Ugh.
It’s almost like my longing and sadness DOUBLED overnight.
I know I’m going to be OK in the end, but I keep wondering what the emotional cost of isolation will be. How bad will it get in the meantime? I’m putting off things I enjoy because, right now, I don’t have the energy to put into, well, anything. And it sucks.
Being the person that usually has the upbeat attitude and holds space for others when they need it, I don’t really know how to cope when it’s me in so much pain. Tracy holds space for me and that’s been a terrific lifeline. But that’s only helping me to survive, not thrive.
I’m also an empath and right now that’s a hard thing to be. I’m taking in a lot of sadness and negative energy from the world around me, but I don’t have my usual means to discharge and recharge this energy. The world is a tough place right now, and if you are like me and can’t help but “feel the universe” it can be really overwhelming and draining.
In the beginning of all this I was really creative in connecting with people; now I can barely pump out a simple text message just to remain connected to friends. I want to video chat, too, but also cannot bear the thought of looking at another screen; and another box with a talking head in it, no matter how much I love the person that belongs to that talking head.
That friend I most long for? Well, they might be taking this weekend “off” to disconnect as much as possible. That’s probably a really good idea. Should I do the same? I dunno, even the smallest connections are keeping me sane right now. I’m not sure if a couple of truly isolated days would help or hurt for me.
This brings me to a couple of other points: social media and friend connections. Facebook is an absolute cesspool right now and I’m only there for the groups and events I need to maintain some sanity. I’d like to take a complete break, but I haven’t figured out how to do that while managing groups and events that insist on using that platform. Inevitably, when I log in I can’t help but look at my feed a little. At least that person I miss so much comes up high in my feed and they usually post inspirational stuff, so that’s been kinda nice.
The thing that has surprised me most is how little outreach I’m getting from some friends I thought were high up on my friend hierarchy. I won’t judge – we’re all handling this differently; there’s no way for me to know what they are going through. At the same time, I do feel as though I know better who my true friends really are now. Some of my more casual friends three months ago are the people I’m connected to most right now. Maybe that’s OK, but I’m sad to possibly be moving away from some of the others.
To conclude, a friend shared this:
To be honest, I haven’t felt guilty about any of these things. (Yet I’m experiencing all of them.) I gave up on guilt and shame some time ago. But I’m also becoming tired of these things. I had my very first full-fledged panic attack at a NYC grocery store last month. I’ve had a second one since. I don’t feel guilt or shame, but I also don’t like what I did feel. I’m also not tired of being an emotional person, I’m tired of the emotions being so consistently sad and exhausting. As many before me have said, “I’m tired of being tired.”
I’m not sure where to go from here. I know I’ll get by, but I’m struggling to “see the light” currently. I’m also really clear that I’m not alone. But if that’s true, why does it feel so damn lonely right now?